Pouring out my heart

I know that I have let my faith slip over the last few months. Sometimes going through hard times make you stronger in the Lord and sometimes they make you have a false sense of your own personal strength. I have trusted in myself too much and not relied on the Lord. I am praying that I will have the strength to keep on going, even though right now is a difficult time for us...not relationship wise, everything is great there. I even feel like we have grown closer through all of this. It has been hard staying strong in my faith because I have seen what poison can do within the church. It brings me to tears thinking about all of the things that were said about us and about everything that happened with Josh and Ashley. I can't believe that they are having to move away. I love so many of the people at the Jacksonville congregation and I hate that things had to end like they did. I wish our leaving and the Romos' leaving had been our/their choice. It makes me feel like we aren't wanted. I know that some people didn't want us there. It hurts me to think that I have a sister in Christ who is (IMO) happy that me and my two closest friends (besides Alan) have been torn apart (geographically). Josh and Ashley will be moving soon and I'll probably only get to see them one more time before they move.

I didn't realize how upset I still am about everything until I started writing this. I can't believe how inconsiderate some people were towards us. There are so many people there who I miss. Erika has been such a blessing in my life. I know that she thinks she has been a burden to Ashley and me, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that she has taught me to appreciate even the smallest things in our marriage. For instance, I used to get irritated about Alan leaving hangers in the closet instead of hanging them on the door. I learned to be thankful that he was at least there and that his clothes were still in the closet with mine. Sometimes I feel like Alan doesn't appreciate how much I do around the house and going grocery shopping. Then I realize that I don't appreciate how much he does by working so hard. I know how much he loves me when I think about the fact that he has put off going to law school for all of the time we've been together so that I could finish school. He worked in a job that he loathed so that I could finish school and so that we could pay our bills. Anyways, I was talking about how Erika has been a blessing in my life. In so many ways we are alike. Sometimes I feel like we are thinking with the same brain, yet we are so different! When we first met, I never would have believed that we would end up best friends. She has such a wonderful and caring attitude. She has been through so much and is still so strong. She is such a great example to so many young girls. I think that some of the older women look at her and think that she got herself into this situation, but they don't realize that they could be in it too. Just because you marry a Christian man doesn't give you insurance against him leaving you. I can't imagine going through what Erika has been through these last two years. And on top of all that she's gone through, she still encourages others and never forgets birthdays, or important dates, or even just to send a little note. She always seems to send me a note right at the time that I need one. I am so thankful to God for giving me Erika and for using her to teach me so many lessons. I wish that I could be as good of a friend to her as she has been to me.

Ashley has also made a footprint on my heart. I can't believe that I'm hardly ever going to get to see her anymore. I am thankful that God has blessed them with another job, but it's so hard to see them go. Ashley has also taught me many things. She has been so strong through all that they went through with being let go. I can't imagine the anxiety that they are probably still going through. Ashley has taught me to be proud of who I am and not to try and change just because that's what other people want.

I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like my heart has been intertwined with Erika's and Ashley's. With us moving away, and now Ashley and Josh moving away, it feels like someone is ripping my heart into pieces and running the pieces through a blender.

I am trying so hard not to get upset and I have refrained myself from thinking about certain people at Jacksonville (so much so that I censored some people from my facebook, so that I wouldn't have to see anything about them). I want to live my life right and be the Christian I know that I can be so that I can spend eternity together with Erika and Ashley. It's my prayer that we can all uplift each other through the difficulties that are ahead.